You say “yes” to dinner or buy tickets to a concert six months in advance now, but then life gets in the way. Is making plans and sticking with them even feasible these days? With demanding careers, family obligations, and personal responsibilities, it’s getting harder and harder for many of us to keep up with our social calendars.
It’s no surprise then that 41 percent of working women tell us they prefer their social plans be both mapped out and flexible. Being able to say “no,” or back out of plans at the last minute is essential for those of us trying to juggle a million different things and simultaneously protect our mental health.
But when is it okay to cancel, and how do you do it politely and without guilt? Is it possible to skip the social gatherings and still stay connected with our friends and the community in ways that are beneficial and replenishing for our mental well-being?
Now may be the time to step back, assess, and reevaluate your needs, but that’s often easier said than done. Understanding the challenges you’re facing and ways to conquer them is key to staying socially connected without burning out in the process.
Combatting work stress and the mental load
According to Gallup, 51 percent of working women say they’re stressed a lot of the day, compared to just 39 percent of working men. Thirty-nine percent say they think about work during their personal time each day. Working mothers face an even more dire work-life balance conflict: 44 percent admit they’ve considered reducing their hours due to childcare issues, and 35 percent say they’ve delayed or declined a promotion because of personal or family obligations.
Not only are women taking the stress of work home with them, but they’re also taking on a large percentage of their household’s mental load, with a recent study showing that mothers handle 71 percent of household mental load tasks, including planning, scheduling, and organizing. The mental load may be invisible, but it can very quickly drain your battery, making it harder to practice self-care and maintain a social life.
“When you're overwhelmed or burned out, connection can start to feel like another obligation instead of a source of nourishment. You might isolate or withdraw, not because you don’t care, but because your system is overloaded and you don’t have the capacity to engage meaningfully,” says Bekah Rose, LCSW, JD. “Unfortunately, this often leads to guilt and self-judgment, which creates more disconnection. Recognizing this cycle is key.”
Setting boundaries in your social life
Work stress and burnout inevitably bleeds into your personal life, making it hard to do things you might have otherwise enjoyed. Rather than continue to follow your pre-existing social calendar, it’s better to take a pause and reassess your current needs than continue to burn the candle at both ends.
Maybe you wanted to go to a concert six months ago, but now you can’t fathom staying up late and standing in a crowded, loud room. Backing out of a social event can be stressful, especially when you long-ago set the plan and others are expecting you to be there, but that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to go.
“Social burnout is real, and women often feel the pressure to be available and accommodating. However, giving from depletion is not generosity, it’s self-abandonment and it doesn't serve you or your relationships long term,” says Rose. “If showing up means betraying your own body, emotions, or energy, that’s a sign to say ‘no.’ Setting boundaries doesn’t mean shutting people out—it means honoring what’s true for you so that when you do say ‘yes,’ it’s wholehearted.”
If at this moment in your life you don’t have the mental or physical capacity to go to a concert or attend a dinner, then it’s okay and reasonable to say “no,” even if you initially said “yes.” It may cause some tension, but if you’re open and honest, the right people will understand.
You can politely say, “While I’d love to do this, I’m exhausted and overwhelmed this week and won’t be able to attend. I don’t have the energy to be fully present and I need some alone time to unwind.”
Some friends may not respond favorably to boundary setting and “a change in those relationships may be a relief and/or it may cause quite a bit of sadness, guilt, or anxiety,” explains Erica Oberhand, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist. “Allow yourself to feel and process those feelings, trusting that it’s a necessary change even if it’s a hard one.”
Finding meaningful ways to stay connected
Having a social support network is incredibly beneficial for overall health and wellbeing, but how do you allocate time to building social connections when you're feeling burned out, your time is incredibly limited, and you’re unable to stay actively engaged?
Start by assessing where you’re at mentally. How much sleep are you getting? Are you showering every day? Are you eating healthy, nutritious foods? Are you prioritizing your self-care? First, make sure you’re taking care of you before taking care of others.
Once your basic needs are met, you can start to think about your personal or free time and how you want to spend it. Maybe you only have two hours on a Sunday morning to yourself. What might replenish you—and would you want someone to join you?
As you consider what you need and who would be best to connect with, Oberhand suggests asking yourself the following questions:
-
Are you getting the kind of support that you’re needing or wanting at any given moment?
-
Given your demanding job, what do you need and want for yourself in your personal life?
-
Do you want to spend more time indoors or outdoors?
-
Do you need physical activity or rest?
-
Would you benefit from silliness or creativity?
-
Would it feel cathartic to vent and chat with a friend who understands the demands of your career or would it feel better to talk with someone else about something unrelated to work?
-
Are there friends with whom you can be silly?
-
Are there friends who like to be physically active?
-
Are there friends you can just hang at home and watch TV with?
Knowing where you’re at, you can be open and honest with friends and those in your network. You might decide that certain relationships are too draining right now and it’s easier to press pause on them until you’re less stressed and busy. With others, you might find it comforting to invite them along to alternative, less demanding activities, such as:
-
Occasional phone calls or check-ins
-
Short, scheduled walks
-
Visits to the local park
-
Shared errands
-
Breakfast or tea
-
Coffee meetups
-
Play dates with your kids
-
Coworking sessions
-
Gardening
-
Watching a TV show or movie
-
Getting a pedicure
-
Workout out or taking a fitness class together
“Your people don’t need your performance, they want your presence. Give it to them when you can and humbly admit when you are tapped out and can't, “ says Rose—and remember, “when your connections are based on authenticity instead of obligation, they become more life-giving.”
Maybe this is your season of rest and rejuvenation. Maybe next season, when your job is less stressful or your kids are a little older, you’ll be able to allocate more time to building your social network. Until then, Oberhand says, “Trust your gut and listen to your body.”
