Last week we asked our audience which online trends about women they find to be the most aspirational. Trad wife, soft life, girlboss, quiet quitting, and other viral frameworks made the list.
But the tried-and-true options—self-care, body positivity, and financial empowerment—won out. My read? Most women aspire to love and take care of themselves. Knowing that is pretty powerful.
It’s also telling, because “aspirational” implies that many of us haven’t quite reached that goal. What’s getting in the way?
“Self-care and wellness are so easy to overlook and there's so much misleading information,” one respondent shared. “We take care of everyone around us and neglect ourselves because we've been taught not to be ‘selfish’ and we're supposed to be the caretakers of those around us. You can't pour from an empty cup. Women deserve to live full and fulfilled lives but so many don't even know where to start.”
Ding, ding, ding.
I see that all the time in my own life and among the women I know and love. We’re good at taking care of other people, perhaps because we learned how meaningful that role can be. But when it comes to taking care of ourselves, we get lost. Prioritizing others feels safe, emotionally and socially.
That is, until we burn out, as many women do. Burnout rates are higher among women than men (59% compared to 46%), and studies show that gap is widening. Disproportionate household and caregiving responsibilities, emotional labor, and the mental load are prime contributors to this gap.
Yet despite all that data, women’s need for rest and care still feels… negotiable. Something we’ll get to later.
And that’s not a phenomenon so much as a story we’ve all seen played out. It’s in our own families just as often as it’s in children’s books and TV shows. In art and music. You can even see it in cult classics like Clueless.
In the 1995 film, Cher Horowitz is the human embodiment of emotional labor and caretaking, spending most of the film prioritizing the wellbeing of her friends, family, and teachers—until she realizes she has feelings for her ex-stepbrother, Josh. That’s when she faces every caretaker’s dilemma: putting her own happiness first for once. It leaves her unsure, insecure, and suddenly unfamiliar with her own worth.
My favorite scene comes toward the end, when Cher is pacing outside her father’s office. He calls her in, asks why she’s upset, and she explains: She likes this guy. A do-gooder type. But failing to see her own strengths, she doesn’t think she’s good enough.
Her dad, a lawyer and brusque as ever, says: “How can you say that? Who takes care of everyone in this household? Who makes sure that Daddy eats right? To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good doing since your mother.”
That’s the Mel Horowitz mic drop—a line I’ve thought about for years. It’s not just about Cher liking a boy; it’s about knowing the value of invisible labor. And it’s a reminder that recognizing what we already give—what we already are—is the first step in claiming the love and care we deserve for ourselves. We cannot remain clueless to our impact.
The backbone. The listener. The planner. The glue. These roles sometimes feel invisible, even to ourselves, but they’re far-reaching and essential. And they’re tiring because they’re work, and work requires rest.
Perhaps that’s why we struggle to care for ourselves. We don’t recognize that what we already give takes effort, so it feels undeserving. But when exhaustion hits, we find ourselves pacing outside Mel’s office, wondering what else we have to do to finally earn self-love.
“Women deserve to live full and fulfilled lives but so many don't even know where to start,” that respondent shared. Perhaps it starts there.
Here are a few questions I ask myself to reflect on my invisible labor and refill my cup:
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If I stepped back from this event, relationship, or task, would it continue without me? How could I shift the load so I’m not the only one carrying it?
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If I treated my life like a week of back-to-back meetings, how would I plan differently for self-care and self-love?
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Which parts of my day are spent smoothing over conflicts, planning, or anticipating others’ needs? Could some of that be delegated or shared?
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Are there invisible expectations I’m carrying that could be questioned or renegotiated?
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What’s one way someone showed up for me that I really liked this week, and how can I encourage more of that in my other relationships?
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