Self-advocacy is one of the most vital skills. It helps you stand up for yourself in the big moments, like when you’re asking for a raise, as well as in the everyday ones, like when your idea gets talked over in a meeting.
Yet, despite how important self-advocacy is, many women still struggle with it. In a recent InHerSight survey, 30 percent of our audience said they rarely feel comfortable advocating for themselves at all.
That discomfort is understandable. Self-advocacy can be hard, especially in environments where you’re unsure how your voice will be received.
That’s why we always encourage our readers to start small: On InHerSight, we often talk about practicing self-advocacy in “safe zones,” spaces where you feel supported, heard, and respected, whether that’s with a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist. Practicing in those environments can help you build the confidence and language to advocate for yourself in higher-stakes situations: challenging a manager’s decision, asking a romantic partner to meet your emotional needs, or asserting yourself with a stranger.
To help you build your advocacy muscle across all areas of life, we spoke with Erica Kim, a leadership and career coach who empowers people to lead with authenticity and build careers they’re genuinely excited about. Ahead, she shares mindset shifts and practical steps to take to feel more confident speaking up, no matter the situation.
Read more: It’s in the Evidence: 4 Signatures of Meaningful Self-Advocacy
Shift your mindset to feel more comfortable with self-advocacy
Confident self-advocacy begins with internal work. Ask yourself: What’s holding me back from speaking up? What do I believe about my needs and my right to have them met?
“Most women I know are incredible advocates for everyone except themselves,” Kim says. “They'll fight for their team's budget, negotiate on behalf of their family, stand up for their friends, but ask them what they need? They know but might downplay it or even apologize. This isn't a knock on them. It's hard to self-advocate in a society that sends mixed messages—be assertive but not aggressive, speak up but don't be ‘too much.’ And for women of color, these messages are even more complex, with stereotypes and higher expectations to navigate.”
If you struggle to advocate for yourself, start with these mindset shifts:
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My needs aren’t that important → My needs are valid—period: Stop qualifying your needs as “not a big deal” or “not urgent enough.” If it matters to you, it matters.
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I have to explain myself → “No” is a full sentence: You don’t have to overexplain or justify your boundaries. Practice trusting that a clear, respectful “no” is enough.
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If this feels uncomfortable, it must be wrong → Discomfort doesn’t mean danger: Advocating for yourself might feel awkward, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for doing it. Discomfort is often a sign of growth.
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I don’t want to be too much → I’m allowed to take up space: Whether it’s speaking in a meeting, asking a follow-up question at the doctor, or disagreeing with a friend, your voice is just as important as anyone else’s.
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Speaking up for myself is selfish → Self-advocacy means self-respect: Meeting your own needs doesn’t mean you care less about others. It means you’re taking care of yourself, too.
Once you shift your mindset, practice taking action with small, consistent practices:
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Do a daily check-in. Ask yourself: What do I need today? Name your needs, even if they feel small, like quiet time or extra support.
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Say no in low-stakes situations. Turn down a calendar invite or tell a friend you can’t make it. The more you flex that muscle, the easier it becomes in higher-stakes moments.
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Correct yourself when you minimize. Notice when you say “just,” “sorry,” or “I don’t know if this makes sense, but…” and pause. Reframe with confidence: “Here’s what I think.”
These small steps build confidence and can help you tune into your inner cues—something Kim says is key to authentic advocacy. “Your body knows your boundaries before your brain catches up,” she says. “Tight chest? Stomach drop? That’s data. Practice pausing before automatically responding, even to small asks. Use that three-second body check, then respond from a place of clarity rather than reflex.”
Read more: 13 Words & Phrases You Should Stop Saying at Work
How to advocate for yourself in any situation
Advocate for yourself at work—in meetings, reviews, negotiations, and beyond
Meetings, reviews, negotiations, and other high-pressure work situations can be anxiety-inducing. Sometimes, you just want to get through them. Self-advocacy might be the last thing on your mind when you’re simply trying to survive. But if you have an end goal in mind, speaking up and advocating for your ideas, compensation, value, or whatever else it may be is imperative.
“I find it helpful to get clear on your non-negotiables first,” Kim says. “Sometimes, confidence comes from knowing what you value, prioritize, and what you’re willing to walk away from. What’s worked for me is I started treating my asks like I was presenting data, not making personal requests. Saying, ‘Based on my performance over the last six months, I’d like to discuss a salary adjustment,” hits differently than, “I was hoping maybe we could talk about a raise?”
When communicating your needs, Kim emphasizes the importance of avoiding minimizing language like ‘just,’ ‘sorry,’ and ‘I might be wrong, but…’ She says, “Instead, say: ‘I’d like to talk about…’ or ‘I’ve identified an opportunity,’ or ‘here’s my recommendation.’ The difference is subtle but powerful. You're positioning yourself as a strategic partner, not someone asking for permission.”
Here are some specific ways to advocate for yourself in common workplace scenarios:
In meetings
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Make space for your voice: “I’d like to circle back to an earlier point. I have a different perspective...”
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Claim credit for your ideas: “I’d like to expand on the idea I shared earlier…” or “To build on what I proposed…”
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Back up your input: “Here’s what the data is telling us, and here’s what I recommend we do next.”
In performance reviews
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Highlight your impact: “One of my key wins this quarter was leading [X] project, which resulted in [specific outcome].”
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Connect feedback to growth: “I’ve consistently taken on stretch assignments and used feedback to improve. I’d love to explore what the next step looks like.”
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Ask for clarity or development: “What would success in the next six months look like in this role?” or “I’d like to grow in [area]. Can we talk about how to get there?”
In negotiations
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Anchor your ask in facts: “Based on market benchmarks and my contributions over the last year, I’m seeking a salary in the [$X] range.”
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Emphasize mutual value: “I believe this adjustment reflects the value I’m delivering and will help me continue to contribute at a high level.”
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Hold your ground: “I’m excited about this opportunity, and I’d like to find a package that reflects both the role and my experience.”
In day-to-day moments
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Set boundaries around time or workload: “I don’t have capacity for that right now. Can we revisit it next week?”
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Ask for what you need: “I’d be more effective with clearer priorities. Can we align on what’s most urgent?”
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Speak up for fairness: “I noticed [X]. Can we talk about how responsibilities are being divided on this team?”
Help yourself feel heard at the doctor’s office
When you go to the doctor’s office, you might have the facts about your body but still feel unsure about what to ask, how to push back on vague answers, or how to quiet the nagging worry that you’re being “too much.” And when you do speak up, many women report feeling dismissed by medical professionals anyway. We asked Kim how women can prepare for and navigate health-related conversations and advocate for their needs with confidence.
“Specificity with your language, data, and timelines can help cut through potential dismissal,” she says. “Instead of saying, ‘I’m really tired all of the time,’ try, ‘my energy levels dropped significantly starting three weeks ago, and now I need 10+ hours of sleep to function normally, which is unusual for me.’”
She offers a helpful reframe: “You’re not ‘bothering’ your doctor, you’re providing them with data they need to help you. Your symptoms and concerns are all valuable information.” Bring a notepad with details about your symptoms and their timeline. Write down any concerns or questions you’d like to discuss. That way, you’ll have a physical reminder to ground you and help ensure you communicate everything you need to your doctor.
If you feel dismissed, Kim says to try these phrases: “‘Help me understand your thinking here’ positions you as a collaborator while pushing for explanation. ‘What are we ruling out with this approach?’ keeps the conversation moving forward. You can also reflect back what you're hearing: ‘So, what I'm understanding is that you think X, but I'm still concerned about Y. How do we address that?’”
If a doctor repeatedly ignores your concerns and you’re able to switch providers, prioritize your wellbeing and make the change. Consider it a form of self-advocacy to find someone who takes you seriously. “If switching isn't possible, document everything and consider bringing an advocate with you to appointments,” Kim says.
Speak up and enforce boundaries in close relationships
“I see this often: Women who can negotiate million-dollar deals struggle to tell their parents they can’t join Sunday dinner,” Kim says. “Close relationships can feel higher stakes because they are.” That’s because we care more about what the people closest to us think, and we’ve often spent years prioritizing their comfort.
“The hard part is that setting boundaries often shows which relationships were built on your willingness to minimize your needs,” Kim says. “Some people will push back, not because your boundary was unreasonable, but because they benefited from your not having one.”
To build courage, start by practicing with low-stakes interactions—strangers, acquaintances, or people who don’t have emotional leverage over you. Kim says to experiment with simple boundary-setting phrases like, “I’m not available for that” or “That doesn’t work for me.” Once those feel more natural, you can apply the same approach to your closest relationships.
Here are some examples:
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When someone drops by unannounced: “I need a heads-up before visits. Can you text next time?”
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When you're pressured to attend a family event: “I won’t be able to make it this time, but I hope it goes well.”
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When a friend always steers the conversation to themselves: “I’d love to talk about something I’ve been dealing with. Can I share?”
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When a partner expects you to be constantly available: “I need some time to decompress after work before I can be present in the conversation.”
Kim says, “The relationship might feel weird at first. That's normal. Let them have their feelings while you maintain your boundary. But remember, people who truly care about you want you to advocate for yourself, even if it takes them time to adjust.” If some relationships change or fade as a result of you setting boundaries, don’t be hard on yourself. That dynamic might be a season you've outgrown.
