Outside a train station in Sintra, Portugal, there’s a group of tuk-tuk drivers holding signs printed like those laminated menus you sometimes find at restaurants—except instead of photos of entrees, their marketing features palaces and other local tourist stops.
They yell at passersby as they disembark, myself included. For a fee, they can take you to each of Sintra’s five hilltop palaces. No bus ride. Skip the crowd.
It’s pouring rain, and they draw a healthy amount of business, but I ignore them and step to the side, focused on my phone. Google Maps isn’t registering my hostel. So, I walk a few awkward laps around the block, sans umbrella, before one of the drivers yells out, “Asking for help is still free!”
What an annoying thing to say to a rain-drenched woman. When I look up from my phone, I’m immediately flooded with sibling-level indignance at his clear amusement.
He is absolutely right, and we both know it. But more importantly for me: I thought I learned this lesson already. And here I was, a full adult with a mortgage, having forgotten it again.
The optimizations never cease.
Last week, we asked our audience which life skills have been most valuable in adulthood, and “asking for help” was one of the options, although at 8%, it was the least popular pick among our respondents. Instead, women selected “setting boundaries” and “adapting when plans change” as their top impact-drivers.
I understand why. It’s increasingly easy to let different areas of life spill into the ones we’re trying to protect, like our health and our families, so boundary-setting is paramount. And post-2020, adaptability has become central to navigating life and careers without hiring an Etsy witch to control the outcome.
Yet it’s moments like the one in Sintra—when I’ve flat-out forgotten to ask for help—that remind me how easy it is to keep trying to solve something alone without actually getting anywhere. Independence can become a habit instead of a choice.
So lately, I’ve been doing something different. I’ve been asking people to weigh in—a lot.
Earlier this year, I was sitting in my community theatre’s costume shop with a group of friends when a work email buzzed my phone. Sucked in, I began drafting and redrafting a response instead of participating in the conversation around me. Finally, I looked up and said, “Hey, everyone, I have a work situation I need help with. Can I get your thoughts?”
Within minutes, six people were thinking about the problem instead of one.
A few months later, I was catching up with a recruiter I trust when I mentioned a career concern I’d been turning over in my head. She stopped me and said, “In my experience, let me tell you what’s happening behind the scenes.”
She didn’t rescue me from the problem. She gave me context I didn't have.
One thing I loved about our Life Skills survey was the number of people who commented something to the effect of: "None of us know what we're doing. It really is all made up."
I find this reminder very comforting. Even the people we turn to for advice are often people who have spent a little more time in a place we’re trying to navigate.
And I think that’s also what makes professional relationships so valuable. We often talk about networking as though its highest purpose is helping someone land a job. And yes, that matters. The people who advocate for you, make introductions, and open doors can change the trajectory of your career.
But there’s also a quieter kind of value in thought partnership: the connections that help you interpret an email, explain what’s happening behind the scenes, sanity-check your instincts, or remind you that you’re not the only person trying to make sense of work. Thinking alongside someone for five minutes is an immensely generous thing to do.
The best connections, thankfully, can do both.
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